I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.
TRANSCRIPT:
JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.
AUDEINCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now - let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “And I’m not gonna hit anyone, but no. I’m thinking about the Beatles.”
Hey @vulpeculavolans added a transcript to this AND THAT IS SO AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH!
“I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts.” Is my true ADHD/Autism experience lmaoooo
Did I reblog this yet? Who knows? But it has been done as of now.
Got a great student? Planning to write a super letter of reference? Don’t fall into these common traps based on unconscious gender bias.
Mention Research & Publications
Letters of reference for men are 4x more likely to mention publications and twice as likely to have multiple references to research. Make sure you put these critical accomplishments in every letter!
Don’t Stop Now!
On average, letters for men are 16% longer than letters for women and letters for women are 2.5x as likely to make a minimal assurance (”she can do the job” rather than a ringing endorsement (”this is the best for the job”)
Emphasize accomplishments, not effort
Letters for reference for men are more likely to emphasize accomplishments (”his research”, “his skills”, or “his career”) while letters for women are 50% more likely to include “grind-stone” adjective that describe effort. “Hard-working” associates with effort, but not ability.
We all share bias
It is important to remember that unconscious gender bias isn’t a male problem. Research shows that women are just as susceptible to these common pitfalls as men. This is a problem for all of us - let’s solve it together!
Keep it Professional!
Letters of reference for women are 7x more likely to mention personal life -something that is almost always irrelevant to the application. Also make sure you use formal titles and surnames for both men and women.
Stay away from stereotypes!
Although they describe positive traits, adjectives like “caring”, “compassionate”, and “helpful” are used more frequently in letters about women and can evoke gender stereotypes which can hurt a candidate. And be careful not to evoke the stereotype directly (”she is not emotional”).
Be careful when raising doubt
We all want to write honest letters, but negative or irrelevant comments, such as “challenging personality” or “I have confidence that she will become better than average” are twice as common in letters for female applicants. Don’t add doubt unless it is strictly necessary!
Adjectives to avoid:
caring
compassionate
hard-working
conscientious
dependable
diligent
dedicated
tactful
interpersonal
warm
helpful
Adjectives to include:
successful
excellent
accomplished
outstanding
skilled
knowledgeable
insightful
resourceful
confident
ambitious
independent
intellectual
Brought to you by the University of Arizona Commission on the Status of Women
Research from Trix, F & Psenka, C. Exploring the color
of glass: Letters of recommendation for female and
male medical faculty. Discourse & Society, 2003; and
Madera, JM, Hebl, MR, & Martin, RC. Gender and
letters of Recommendation for Academia: Agentic
and Communal Differences. Journal of Applied
Psychology, 2009.
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After sevenWhat’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
And I don’t mean like attractive cute, I mean like baby otter cute. What if the stumble upon us and go “ohhhhh my god!!! Oh my god!!!! I’m dying this is- look at it! Look at them!!! Oh my god!!!”
We usually imagine having to come up with some Devils trade or unholy arrangement to get tech and trade with aliens, but the instant they see us the aliens immediately set out into conservation efforts. They’re like “their habitat is becoming harsh and unlivable for them! We have to save them!” And everyone just puts a picture of us next to this information and they all agree “Look at them! We have to save them!!” We become like the panda mascots of intergalactic conservation efforts.
Simultaneously, our main export is just streams, videos, holograms, and photos of us. Aliens lose their composure completely over videos of us sneezing or yawning or eating pop tarts or playing video games or taking care of our kids.
There are lines of aliens who would LOVE to have a human in their home or on their ship. It’s a little condescending (we’re not sure if we’re guests or well treated exotic pets) but still a good opportunity, and any human who wants can go to space at any time basically for free or even for profit, and the aliens will go out of their way to give you anything you ask for.
There are obvious downsides. We struggle to be taken seriously. While it’s usually shut down pretty quickly, every once in a while some alien group sees the demand for us and tries to start an illegal trade. But at the same time, it’s neat that somewhere out there is an alien (or usually a LOT of aliens) that would love you unconditionally, find every flaw and idiosyncrasy endearing, be worried about you and do anything they could to make you safe and happy. They work hard to make our planet and our personal lives better and don’t ask for anything in return. They just do it because they decided we are important and worth saving just for existing. It’s an odd relationship, and we’re not always sure what to make of it, but honestly it goes a lot better than we worried alien contact would.
I’m down to be a spoiled pampered alien pet.
Nicholas Rush’s worst nightmare…
This is such a different post from the one where we’re the terrifying combusting demons.
Yeah I know but I love these speculative sci-fi posts all the same.
Zeus sits at the bar, he’ll buy a thousand and one drinks and the girls who he smiles at will raise their eyebrows and think of the pepper spray tucked into their sleeves.
Hera waits at home. She knows the numbers of all the girls and she has their facebooks open on the computer. Her hands hover over the keyboard., She wants to tell them that men will always lie. She wants to take her own advice. She never will.
Apollo and Artemis travel the world. They are chasing the sun. Chasing the moon. They will never catch up. Their hand are curled around each others hip bones. Never in public though. They look too similar for that now. Society has learned judgement and so they keep their caresses safe in the shadows.
Poseidon wanders the shore. He wears a plastic poncho and carries a bag of trash. His tears mix with the salt water. No one can tell the difference. A girl with hair that moves like serpents trails after him, retribution in her eyes.
Hades lies in bed, his wife curled around him. He smiles because people will always believe in death and finally, finally he has beaten his brothers at something.
Athena paces through college campuses, handing out pamphlets on architecture. She scoffs at professors who are simply going through the motions. She carries signs in her hands as she marches through the streets with the students, screaming about the newest problem. She laughs wild, these children, these fearless children are her people.
Hestia wants her family to come home. She waits in the doorway, arms outstretched and a smile like forgiveness waiting to embrace the siblings whom she knows will never return.
Demeter counts down the days until her daughter returns. She smiles when children cheer over the snow days she gives them. There was a time when she had a child like that.
Persephone kisses her husband and grins when people tremble. She is vengeful and wears flowers in her hair and she will make damn sure that the world will never forget her name.
Ares walks through the Middle East, picking his way around the ruins of an elementary school. He stopped understanding war a long time ago. This was not brave, this was not heroic. This was senseless.
Aphrodite narrows her eyes at boys in cars who yell obscene things. She’s long since stopped romanticizing love. She is gaunt and over worked but sometimes she sees a teenage girl handing her baby over to an older couple who had tried for years and she feels young again. Sometimes, she sees Ares from across the room as soldiers embrace their loved ones and they smile at each other.
Hephaestus limps through his shop, his hands are worn down, his back is still twisted but people don’t seem to notice anymore. He makes their furniture, their toys and trinkets and they thank him, they pay him.
Hermes runs through the streets of New York, Tokyo, London. He is young in this time, young and beautiful and slipping between business men, his hands finding their way into their pockets. He never stops laughing.
Dionysus mixes Zeus his drinks. He watches his family grin and cry and get sick in the back room of the bar. He holds back their hair and hands them another drink before they even ask. He’s been here a long time. He’s seen them drunk more often then he’s seen them sober. He is watching them flicker out and fade.
The gods are dying. The gods are dead. The gods are us.
my favorite out of context quotes from my archeology professor so far in no particular order
and floridians are just as human as you and me!
and the moral of the story is that there are no deadly snakes native to alaska
you might know this guy as one of the only archaeologists cool enough to be mentioned by indiana jones
it’s my dream to have my name said by harrison ford
i’m not going to apologize for having this class at 6am because you paid for it and it’s your fault.
we don’t all dress like lara croft. i tried to get it to be a thing on a dig and my colleagues yelled at me.
they were pretty good archaeologists except they were too racist to realize anything they found.
i take back what i said about us not dressing like lara croft because lewis binford here is wearing nothing but short shorts and a cowboy hat. take notes for an academic halloween costume!
archaeologists can be good artists! not me, though. or anyone i know. but if you can draw just know you have options.
sometimes you find dead bodies when you dont really expect it and you just have to deal with it
archaeologists are the only people allowed to get exited when they find corpses.
once i ruined thanksgiving dinner when i told my family i had gotten my degree in archaeology and my uncle commented he liked dinosaurs too
the closest i’ve ever been to a grizzly bear is when i left my glasses in my tent on a dig in alaska, saw a big rock in the distance, and almost screamed
additional quotes
ah yes. archaeologists. or, as i love to call us, pottery analysts
i mean he was kind of a good guy for helping us beat britain but he owned slaves so that really cancelled it out.
archaeology is like cultural anthropology, except after you interview the person you turn around and shoot them in the head.
do not use trees! trees are bad! don’t do it!
usually you find shards, but it’s super exciting when you find a really big shard
it’s basically like a waterpark, except you’re fully clothed and walking through a dark tunnel knee deep in muddy water. so, basically splish splash.
i dont believe in curses but my colleagues and i like to encourage the idea of them so people stop touching our stuff
usually, you would find a knife in a kitchen. or underneath your pillow to really freak out your roommate who is a history nerd and has no idea why you would sleep with a knife under your pillow and he’ll get really scared and freaked out and okay i’m getting off topic
no matter what the other scientists say, archaeology is a real science.
don’t worry, i promise you, and whatever government agency that’s spying on me right now, that i’m not a crazy communist trying to overthrow the government
by now you’ve noticed the big “POP QUIZ” written on the board. there isn’t one, but i wanted to see the looks on your face when you saw it. but you’re all dead inside so it’s not really funny.
everything was fine except the citizens of pompeii just woke up dead the next day
the number one question you should ask when you read old archaeology papers is “how the hell do you know?”
nothing pisses off old men more than young people asking “why” and “prove it” so do that as often as possible
this is incredible! all it takes is a computer the size of this room!
I think one of the reasons the Harry Potter Epilogue was so poorly received was because the audience was primarily made up of the Millennial generation.
We’ve walked with Harry, Ron and Hermione, through a world that we thought was great but slowly revealed itself to be the opposite. We unpeeled the layers of corruption within the government, we saw cruelty against minorities grow in the past decades, and had media attack us and had teachers tell us that we ‘must not tell lies’. We got angry and frustrated and, like Harry, Ron and Hermione, had to think of a way to fight back. And them winning? That would have been enough to give us hope and leave us satisfied.
But instead. There was skip scene. And suddenly they were all over 30 and happy with their 2.5 children.
And the Millennials were left flailing in the dust.
Because while we recognised and empathised with everything up to that point. But seeing the Golden Trio financially stable and content and married? That was not something our generation could recognise. Because we have no idea if we’re ever going to be able to reach that stage. Not with the world we’re living in right now.
Having Harry, Ron and Hermione stare off into the distance after the battle and wonder about what the future might be would have stuck with us. Hell, have them move into a shitty flat together and try and sort out their lives would have. Have them with screaming nightmares and failed relationships and trying to get jobs in a society that’s falling apart would have. Have them still trying to fix things in that society would have. Because we known Voldemort was just a symptom of the disease of prejudice the Wizarding World.
But don’t push us off with an ‘all was well’. In a world about magic, JK Rowling finally broke our suspension of disbelief by having them all hit middle-class and middle-age contentment and expecting a fanbase of teenagers to accept it.
Also. Since when was ‘don’t worry kids, you’re going to turn out just like your parents’ ever a happy ending? Does our generation even recognise marriage and money and jobs as the fulfillment of life anymore? Does our generation even recognise the Epilogue’s Golden Trio anymore?
Harry and crew at Hogwarts in what is technically their eighth year, studying for their NEWTs and trying to fit back into a life they’ve half outgrown, the teachers never bothering to treat them like students under their authority anymore and half the other students going to them for Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons.
Harry shoving money at people, hey, you were a muggleborn who lost your wand to the Muggleborn Registration Committee? here have enough to buy your wand back and some more besides, you need to get your house back, how much do you need? starting a business, here have some start-up cash. injured in the final battle? take this money and get trained for a new line of work that doesn’t require legs. bitten by a werewolf? here’s money to buy potion. and he just keeps handing it out without paying any attention to it and there keeps being money there, and how the fuck is it okay that he has so much while others have to buy secondhand books and use secondhand wands?
Harry wanting to burn Grimmauld Place to the ground, and Harry wanting to donate Grimmauld Place as a home for people with bad family situations and people whose family have died and don’t want to be alone, and Harry never wanting to see Grimmauld Place again.
Harry wanting to snap at Molly’s mothering, at Molly’s being after him to cut his hair, at Molly’s invitations to him to come stay at the Burrow. Harry knowing she’s probably going to be his mother-in-law and knowing she’s lost a son and settling for pointing out that Aunt Petunia always hated his hair too, which shuts her up.
Harry and Draco walking on eggshells around each other. Harry making a few overtures of reconciliation and being rebuffed. Harry finally saying, well, be a prat then, and Draco snapping and slamming him into the wall, Muggle-style, and ranting for five minutes straight on how much it sucks to have believed in someone and been betrayed, to have lost, to have been saved by the person who defeated his side of the war, to have his dad in Azkaban and to have been handed Dumbledore’s life on a silver platter and been unable to take it, to have trusted Severus Snape and find out he was working for the other side and the war is over and Harry’s so covered in glory while Draco will never escape the stigma of having been a Death Eater when he wasn’t even a good Death Eater.
Harry looking at him and saying, yeah, that sucks, that’s fucked up. Saying, he watched Dumbledore die, watched his godfather die, lost Fred lost Mad-Eye lost Remus and Tonks, watched Cedric die because he was being too noble to take the Triwizard Cup for himself even though Cedric tried to insist. Saying war is fucked up, war fucks you up, shatters everything and you’re left with fragments that cut you open when you try to pick them up.
Draco telling Harry he’s dating Astoria, who doesn’t believe in blood supremacy. Harry telling Draco that if he likes Astoria, he should date Astoria, and he can give his kids magic and love and he doesn’t need to give them a position at the top of the social hierarchy to be a good father to them. Harry telling Draco that when he was faking being dead, Draco’s mother lied to Voldemort for him because he told her Draco was alive.
Harry taking part and giving evidence in the trials of captured Death Eaters and snatchers and others. Harry offering Lucius a plea bargain that will let him go home. Harry telling Lucius he understands people don’t like being in debt to their enemies, and if Lucius wants to hate him, that’s fine, but Harry thinks Lucius ought to go home and be with his family. Lucius saying nothing, but going home, and when Christmas break ends Draco comes back to school looking human for the first time in two and a half years.
School ending, and the whole double class of students sort of milling, cast adrift into an adulthood they’re not quite prepared for and at the same time are too familiar with. Half the flats above Diagon Alley being rented out by students in small groups and pairings who have no idea how to keep house; Diagon Alley getting an unofficial expansion as the Muggle flats nearby get rented to more of the same, with back doors leading to alleyways that lead to back ways into Diagon.
Some of the abandoned businesses in Diagon Alley getting opened by former Hogwarts students who don’t quite know what they want to do; a few of them importing Muggle concepts with a touch of magic: a store that’s a different Muggle fast-food restaurant every day of the month, a store that brings in Muggle items, Muggle music, Muggle technology. An internet cafe that serves butterbeer and Mountain Dew, cauldron cakes and Cheetos, side by side.
Knockturn Alley getting cleaned out by a new Ministry crackdown on the Dark Arts, and being taken over by those who feel shattered or tainted by the war. Stores trickle in to replace the old places, and shrines to the departed line the storefronts, here a fountain placed in memory, here a quote graffiti’d on the wall, here a mural, there a pile of flowers and trinkets. It’s a quiet place, contemplative; somehow the bustle of Diagon never touches it. Wildflowers grow through the cobblestones, and generations of future witches and wizards will grow up thinking “Nocturnally” refers to the twilight of the passage between worlds.
Hermione and Ron clashing over Ron’s expectations growing up with a mother who did everything for him and expecting a wife who’ll do the same. Hermione moving in with George and Angelina above the joke shop. (Angelina loved Fred, and is halfway in love with George; they are united in their missing of Fred. Hermione is growing to love George, who under his pranks and devil-may-care attitude is quite clever and inquisitive. The three of them make a decent vee, and Angelina can go travel with her international Quidditch team without worrying about George being neglected.)
Ron rebounding with Pansy Parkinson, of all people, who’s rebounding from Draco; their relationship being first built on a temporary cure for loneliness and rejection and an indulgence of spite at their respective exes, and then surprising them by continuing to work well once all that has faded.
Ollivander taking Cho Chang as an apprentice wandmaker. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot undertaking the work to turn Grimmauld Place into Phoenix House, a home for abused, orphaned, and neglected magical children, squibs, homeless or familyless witches and wizards, and convalescents from St. Mungo’s.
Ginny’s first child is a daughter, with Harry’s black hair and green eyes; she indulges Harry by naming her Sev, like the boy Harry’s mother once played with when the world was new and full of wonder. It’s short for Severa, which is Latin in the old wizarding tradition, and it reminds Harry of Evans and of ever, which has about the same meaning as Always.
Draco and Astoria end up having five kids, and Draco scandalizes his younger self by loving every aspect of fatherhood times five. Daphne Greengrass, Astoria’s sister, ends up marrying Percy Weasley, which means Draco’s kids have Weasley cousins. Family get-togethers are very interesting, but somehow Narcissa and Lucius survive.
*GRABS THIS AND RUNS TO THE MOUNTAINS WITH IT SO NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME*
